8catpaws

I see the other students all around me, laughing, chatting, and enjoying one another.
Each one of them at least has one other that they are chatting with.
They all seem to have no cares in the world, other than to be the best, most popular, etc.
I sit with a group yes, but they really almost never talk with me, just at me.
They say they are my friends but they still don't seem like it to me.
I fear hurting them with what goes through my mind, but the thing is, I really don't trust anyone.
I fear their judgement.
I fear their cruel condescending words.
I fear that I shall be shunned by them.
I fear that they will one day grow to dislike me.
I fear that I don't know how to really connect with people anymore.

I fear that my best friend is slowly growing away from me.
I wish that my grades were good enough for my mother.
I wish that for once she would care about the other things in my life other than school and my volunteer work.
I wish that someone would for once care about my opinion.
I wish that I could cry, but if I did, it would be a sign of weakness.
I wish I wasn't so pathetically slow.
I wish I wasn't so fat.
I wish I wasn't so oblivious to things in my life.
I wish I for once could turn off my mind and just let it go blank.
I wish I could silence all the cruel words coursing through my mind.
I wish I could stop myself from saying too much all the time.
I wish I could for once not be left to myself in class.
I wish that someone for once would try to talk to me, and not just let me try to start a conversation.
I wish that I wasn't so awkward around people.
I wish I could learn to shut up for once.
I wish I could be good in my eyes, instead of pathetic and useless.
I wish I couldn't see some things so clearly in my life.
I wish my parents weren't so emotionally abusive.
I wish I wasn't always compared to my friends.
I wish I could do something worth remembering.
I wish that I had someone that my mind would allow me to trust.
I wish that I could do something useful for once.
I wish I knew what to do.

I wish that I didn't hate myself.

But yet, who would expect all these kinds of thoughts from a girl who never ceases to smile.
And who would when every time she was mad, she was cruel to others.
Who could know that this girl could remember almost everything ever said to her?
Who could know that this girl loves to day dream because it gets her away from the reality she finds so cruel?
Who could know that this girl sometimes wishes that she would suddenly be struck dead?
Who could know that she just wants to be good enough for someone?
Who could know that she wishes that she could do something worth while in the world?

I just don't understand why I seem so useless in this world.

Those girls chatting never really care about anyone but themselves.
All I do in class really is sit alone in silence.
All I do is draw an imaginary world where I wasn't so alone.
A world where I was the hero.
A world where I can do whatever I want.
A world where I have people to talk to.
A world where I can be happy.

A world where I would actually be remembered and missed.